Sadly, I have known women who have accepted their husbands’ verbal abuse as normal, or expected and somewhat tolerated. This is often because these women were used to being verbally abused. They had probably experienced the sting of verbal abuse during childhood; they had their hearts and self-esteem pierced regularly by harsh words from parents or other caregivers.

The wife, often someone you might label as codependent and a people pleaser, accepted her husband’s verbal abuse in large part because he was familiar. But then, as a codependent woman, she also looked to her husband for a sense of identity or meaning in her life. In doing so, she had given up her own personal power. Rather, she gave him the power to use her own behavior as an excuse for his verbal abuse of her.

The verbally abusive husband would tell his wife that if she would change such and such, then things would be fine. In fact, he wouldn’t feel compelled to yell obscenities at her. He wouldn’t feel compelled to call her by her names. He, too, would not feel compelled to denigrate everything she did.

Too many women accept men’s excuses for their verbal abuse. They do not realize that some men will always commit verbal abuse no matter how closely their wives adhere to the wishes and demands of these men.

Yes, some men will always make up things their wives did or didn’t do that are suitable as excuses for their abuse.

Perhaps the woman did not do the same thing this week that he condemned her for doing last week. In other words, with this type of man, the rules seem to be always changing. The thing is, this type of man doesn’t live by the rules that his codependent wife lives by. Since she doesn’t understand this, she will remain confused. Why does he keep verbally abusing her when she tries so hard to please him? Can’t he see that she’s practically killing herself to do it?

These nice codependent wives remain committed to their pleasurable behaviors because they are certainly motivated to try to fulfill their husbands’ wishes. The point is that many of these men use verbal abuse and other forms of abuse to control their wives. They do all of this very intentionally.

The man displaying pathological levels of narcissism will not care if his verbal abuse causes his wife immense emotional pain. The narcissist lacks empathy, after all. He just wants to have things his way. He sees his poor codependent wife as an object to serve him. He is the king, while she must play the role of his most grateful and adoring subject.

Narcissists feel entitled to use verbal abuse, as well as emotional abuse, financial abuse, social abuse, and sexual abuse to control their spouses. Now, most of them skip using physical abuse, as that can get them in trouble with the law. Also, the other forms of abuse give them the results they want, and without raising the eyebrows of others.

When a man suffers from harmful levels of narcissism, he is likely to continually move on and engage in his abusive ways. He won’t apologize. Also, if her wife tries to explain how her behavior hurts him, again, he is likely to blame her. He will soon be facing her and yelling that because of her behavior, he didn’t really give her a choice.

What if he tries to move beyond his codependency and tells him that he won’t take any more of his verbal abuse? Well, again, he could puff out her chest, look at her, and increase the range and force of her abusive words. He could also erupt into a narcissistic rage: How dare she try to make the rules? She doesn’t she understand her place?

Now, there are some men who could come from backgrounds similar to their codependent wives. In other words, they were also verbally abused by the adults in their lives. These spouses have essentially modeled their parents’ poor communication skills. When they realize the emotional pain that their verbal abuse is causing their beloved wives, they may try to change their ways. And indeed, these are the men who can often be helped immensely with anger management classes, couples communication classes, or therapy.

These men will drop their excuses for their verbal abuse. But don’t expect the same from men whose verbal abuse is fueled by narcissism. Verbal abuse is too good a tool for these men to get what they want. And of course they want to control their wives and make them please them, not themselves.

By the way, the narcissist is the one who professes that it is better to be feared than loved. Did she hear her husband say that, but did she think he was joking? Well, think again. Also, you better believe that he will always have an excuse for verbal abuse of him. However, he is not going to be the real one.

He may continue to blame you or your behavior for his verbal abuse, but you will still be in a verbally abusive relationship no matter how good or accommodating you are as a codependent wife.

Might it be time to take off your codependency blinders and then remind yourself that there is never an excuse for abuse anyway? certainly, though, blaming yourself is pointless, except that it will always be on the narcissist’s mind.