I often hear from wives who want to know when it is too late to get their husband back. Some tell me that, in her mind, it’s too late because her husband seems to “move on.” I often hear comments like “We’ve been apart for six months. I think my husband has started seeing someone else. I’m starting to think this is the end and it’s too late for us. If someone has left, does that mean the end of marriage?

Another example is something like: “My husband keeps telling me that we’re done and it’s too late to do anything to save this marriage. He told me yesterday that he was leaving and that I should do the same. But I’m not sure how I can do this.” when it will never end for me.

The common thread in all these questions and comments is that what the person asking really wants to know is when it is too late to save their marriage. Do you get to that “too late” point when your spouse tells you they’ve moved on? Do you have to take his word for it?

Of course, I can’t definitively answer these questions for anyone because the answer depends on the specific people involved and the situation they find themselves in. But I can offer you a perspective from my experiences and observations, which I will do in the next article.

Sometimes couples reconcile after one of them has “moved on”: If there’s one thing I’m sure of in this situation, it’s that things may change. Feelings change. Perceptions change. Situations also change. The fact that someone is proclaiming or insisting on something today does not mean that they cannot turn around tomorrow.

I have seen divorced couples reconcile. I have seen couples who have remarried other people (sometimes for decent lengths of time) decide to get back together. This does not happen in all cases, of course. But the safest thing is that it can happen. Sometimes there is a change of circumstances that causes a change of feelings. Other times, it happens spontaneously. But, most of the time, it is part of a master plan designed to achieve small, gradual, and yet dramatic changes.

Why holding on too long can sometimes backfire: Wives in this situation often tell me that they just can’t accept that it’s over or that he moved on. I understand this because he was in these shoes and I know how frustrating and painful this whole process can be. However, I can also tell you that I hear from husbands in this situation as well and it is my experience and opinion that holding on too tightly or “refusing” to accept what he is saying will often make him feel less loving or responsive to you instead of further. so.

I know it can be hard to take a step back or pause when you’re so afraid that by the time you do, it’s really gone. But sometimes, you just have to wonder if holding on so tightly has worked for you. Look closely to see if your previous methods have really helped you at all.

Sometimes, if you’re honest and can keep a little distance, you can see that you’ve really only been making things worse. It is very important that you ask yourself if the attempts you have been making have been bringing it closer to you or making things better or if they have been taking it away and making things worse. If this is the case, sometimes you realize that trying something new is not as risky as it seemed at first.

Going back or pausing is not the same as going forward: Sometimes I have wives who say things to me like, “Maybe he’s moved on, but I’ll never be able to. I just can’t give up on our marriage or let it go no matter what he says.” Another example is: “just because he moves on doesn’t mean I have to.” All these points are valid, but nothing says that you have to pass it on to them. Because, when you are stating that you are absolutely not going to go through with it, sometimes he will object even more and he will think that he needs to increase his efforts to change your mind. This, of course, makes him move further away from you.

So there are times when you better tell yourself that even though you know full well how you feel, you’re not going to keep repeating this anymore when he already knows it anyway. There’s nothing wrong with appearing to back down when you always know your plan is to gain some ground. And sometimes you need a pause to gain some perspective and calm.

Taking time for yourself and taking a break from all the drama can sometimes improve the situation. And sometimes when you are suddenly silent or absent, your husband suddenly becomes interested again. This is what happened in my case, although it wasn’t by design.

No matter which path you choose, in my experience, you will almost always be better off if you are able to maintain your respect and dignity. You want to portray yourself in the strongest light possible and this often requires you to act “as if” when you just don’t feel it or aren’t as confident. Sometimes it helps to remember the person her husband once loved and show that person when the opportunity really presents itself.