I sometimes hear of spouses who are overcome with emotion after realizing what a huge mistake they made in cheating on their spouse. They often struggle with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “Last week, I had a one-night stand with a guy from my work. There was alcohol involved and I didn’t mean for it to happen. I’ve been happily married for ten years. I never cheated on anyone in my life until last week. And I never meant to cheat on my husband. But I did. I told the other guy it would never happen again. And it won’t. Because I will never drink at work again. But in the meantime, I can’t even look in the mirror. It’s hard for me to act normal around my husband. I can’t look at my children without being overwhelmed with shame at how they’ve put their family at risk. How do women live? people with shame after cheating? I’m really struggling. I’ll tell my husband about my cheating one day. But right now, I can’t even face myself. I’ve never hated myself so much. I can’t believe it was so stupid i’m so ashamed of myself.”

I really felt for this wife because it was obvious that she was really sorry for what she had done. And she was too happy to punish herself and not give herself enough credit. Because, before her deception, she had contributed to a faithful and happy marriage and she was raising two beautiful children. Of course, cheating is a big mistake. But this wife suddenly saw herself as a horrible person when this was not the case. So, in the following article, I’ll share some of the tips I gave you on how to get over embarrassment after an affair.

As much as you probably don’t feel like it, feeling embarrassed after cheating or having an affair is a positive sign: There was no doubt that the wife in this situation felt horrible. She knew that she had made a serious mistake that could change her life. Because this behavior was so atypical for the type of person she was, the embarrassment intensified.

This actually says something positive rather than negative about her. I talk to a lot of people who are struggling with the aftermath of an affair. And an alarming number of spouses who are cheated on seem almost defensive about their cheating and their behavior. Many feel that they were justified in betraying their spouse or think that it is simply not possible to remain faithful and magnanimous forever. And frankly, when people say these things to me, I have doubts about their marriage.

Neither of these things was the case with this wife. She was incredibly sorry and convinced that her husband did absolutely nothing to deserve this kind of betrayal. This said a lot about her and her marriage. In fact, shame and guilt can be positive things as long as you use them as a motivator to keep going and make things better instead of using them as a crutch to keep you stuck and in pain.

You cannot change your past actions, but only you determine your future actions: The wife needed to understand that despite her guilt, shame, and pain, there was nothing she could do to change her actions. The deception was in the past, but there was no way to reverse it. Insisting on the deception wasn’t going to change him, nor was it going to make the future any better.

In fact, the more you focus on your guilt and shame and the horrible thing you’ve done, the more you become paralyzed from moving on. Yes, cheating on your spouse is a huge mistake that you may regret for the rest of your life. But you can’t change it. Continuing to think about it could prevent her from focusing on what’s important right now, which is his marriage, his healing, moving on, and making sure he doesn’t make the same mistake again.

So my best advice is to focus on changing what you can. Unfortunately, you cannot change the delusion or the past. But you can change the way you deal with both. You can focus on making the future as positive as possible. You can focus on getting this right instead of working on what’s already gone wrong. You can be the best wife and mother you can be.

Don’t let your shame turn you off: There is a real danger in allowing shame to turn you off. Some people experience a real domino effect of negativity in their lives. Because you can’t bear to look at your husband, your marriage begins to change for the worse. Because you no longer think of yourself as a good mother, you distance yourself from your children and your family. And you know what happens then? You allow one mistake to turn into months or even years of mistakes. Please don’t fall into this trap.

If the embarrassment and resulting pain are too much for you, seek help to get through it. As someone who has been cheated, I would never defend cheating. However, a person who makes a mistake should not believe that they have suddenly turned into a horrible person who no longer deserves love or the love of their own family. This wife’s family probably wouldn’t be better off if she were so embarrassed that she backed out. Yes, she made a mistake. But the biggest mistake would be allowing the affair to contribute to her losing the things that mattered most to her. Or lose those things to which, except for a brief moment in time, she had always been faithful.