Fifteen years ago my marriage was in trouble. I knew we couldn’t go on as we were, but I wasn’t sure how to change things. What I did know was that we had four children who would be negatively affected if we decided to end it. Yes, couples get divorced every day, but I didn’t want us to be one of them. He also knew that he couldn’t stand the status quo.

The long healing process began when I saw a counselor. In all, I saw four counselors over a six-year period. I wanted answers, explanations, and strategies that I could immediately apply to my crumbling marriage. Mostly all they did was listen and validate my feelings. She wanted and needed more than any of them seemed ready or capable of giving. However, I learned over and over again that I was in an abusive relationship. One of the most powerful questions I was presented with was, “If you respect yourself, why do you put up with this?” Why was I? I had to think long and hard. It was a huge wake-up call that prompted me to learn more about myself and find out why I was tolerating the bad behavior.

At the beginning of one of my last appointments, I flatly asked my counselor to please not just listen to me. I told him that I wanted his advice since I have a lot of people who will listen to me. I asked him if we could do a role play and I would play my husband. That helped tremendously. He gave me a tool that I was able to put to use right away and it helped move our relationship in a more positive direction.

Within a family, the partnership between the two parents provides the foundation for the family. A strong and secure partnership is essential for children to feel safe at home. Everyone feels the tension, and the children learn what they need to do to feel safe. They learn to protect themselves. If the pattern isn’t broken, that habit of protecting yourself carries over into your relationships.

Can you save your marriage? It is my belief, that in most cases, you can. It is easy? Not worth it? Yes. I’ve been married 26 years and it’s better now than ever. We are both proud that we were able to weather the storms and solve our problems. Is it perfect now? Of course it isn’t. However, we are in a much, much better place and we are both committed to regularly working on our relationship.

Did therapy save my marriage? I would say that of the many, many hours we spend in a counselor’s office, only a very small percentage of that time was helpful. I had to inquire, reflect and look closely at myself through writing, reading and a lot of dialogue.