It is very common for me to hear of wives struggling to explain to their husbands how much their infidelity or affair caused them and hurt them. But often, their husband doesn’t react the way they expected and they search for a way to explain their feelings so that he really understands them.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part, “I have tried repeatedly to explain to my husband the depth and reasons for my grief after his infidelity, but he either doesn’t want to listen or doesn’t understand what I want.” “I’m saying. Sometimes, I open my heart to him and try to explain how he’s hurt me and all I get is a blank stare or empty reassurances that he’s really trying. This is very frustrating for me because I need him to understand the extent of my pain so that I can be sure that you will never cheat on me again. I want you to understand why I sometimes act the way I do because of the grave mistake you have made. But a part of me thinks that you don’t want to or he is simply unable to listen to me. How can I explain my pain in a way that he truly understands and is willing to listen?” I will address these concerns in the following article.

Pick the right moment and know that once you start repeating yourself, your words lose their effectiveness: I listen to both faithful wives and non-faithful husbands on my blog and I can tell you that if you constantly talk about your hurt and pain, eventually even the most sincere husband will start to tune out. One of the reasons for this is that no one wants to be constantly reminded of the pain they have caused. And husbands will often want to focus on moving on, while the wife wants to focus on understanding and digging a little deeper.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that the husband doesn’t care about your pain or simply doesn’t want to hear it. But, at least sometimes, he listens to your words as accusations. You may be constantly hearing that his selfishness and weakness have hurt you deeply and that this is not a message you want to hear on an ongoing basis, day after day. Men often make comments like “she constantly wants to tell me how much cheating has hurt her. I believe and understand that and I’m sorry. But do I really need or have to hear what a horrible person I am every day? How many times Sometimes she needs to explain where I went wrong or how horrible I am before she’s satisfied that she’s said enough? I tell her I’m so sorry. I listen. But I don’t. They don’t seem to be enough and we repeat this process all the time.”

I’m not telling you this to imply that you can’t regularly argue and try to get over the infidelity. I tell you this because I want you to understand the obstacles that are in your path and the dynamics that are at play here. If you really want her husband to listen and take your words to heart, then sometimes you need to time and limit your message for maximum impact.

Consider what your husband is actually going to hear before saying the words: This is what I referred to in the previous paragraph, but sometimes the message your husband hears has more to do with your tone and delivery than the words you say. So you could say something like, “Your infidelity has hurt me deeply. It has made me doubt your integrity and your love and commitment to me. It has affected my self-esteem and confidence level. And I’m not sure when things are going to change.” . improve”.

But what she often hears is something more in line with: “Your bad decision to cheat on me has ruined my life and will probably ruin our marriage. You are a horrible, selfish person with very little impulse control. And your actions have caused me so much pain.” that I may never fully recover. Because of this, I am going to feel pain and resentment every time I look at you or even think about you. And, this will be our lot in life from this day on. Because I don’t anticipate any changes. “.

These examples may seem a bit extreme, but they’re not that far off from the feedback I’m hearing. A cheating husband can hear a message that he never wanted. And because of this, she is often somewhat resistant to that message. Of course, the wife will often take this to mean that he isn’t listening or just doesn’t care, so she will continue to repeat herself with more feeling. And of course this just keeps the cycle going. She doesn’t feel heard and he feels beaten and neither of them gets what she wants or needs.

If you think about it, probably what you really want is to feel heard. You want him to know, understand (and even feel) his pain because if he does, he’s less likely to cheat on you again and more likely to show the remorse that so many of us really want and need. So think about what this is most likely to accomplish.

You don’t want to come off as too accusatory or downcast because unfortunately these things will contribute to him becoming defensive and shutting you down. Instead, you should use “I” sentences so it sounds like you’re talking about responsibility for your own feelings and not just trying to put the blame on him or make him feel continually guilty for the rest of his life. And you want to choose the time when the message from him is most likely to be heard. You don’t want to try to explain yourself in the middle of a fight or when your main goal is to hurt him. I have found that the message is more likely to be heard if you say it when things are going a bit more positive and both people are calm.

An example of what to say to express the pain that his deception has caused: An example would be something like, “If this is a good time, I’d like to briefly explain how much your infidelity has hurt me. I’m not doing this to punish you or paint you as a horrible person. I love you.” and i don’t think you’re a horrible person, but i need to feel that you care enough to listen to me. And I need to know that you really understand so you’ll hesitate to fool me again. Have someone you love. More than anything, betraying you in this way is something that is more devastating and hurtful than I could have imagined. It calls into question things about your marriage and about yourself that are just devastating. Can you even begin to put yourself in my shoes and imagine that the tables are turned? Because I need to know that you understand how much pain I’m in so we can start moving forward once and for all. I don’t intend to keep mentioning this, but before I continue I need to know that you really understand it.

A phrase like this is much more likely to get the response and understanding you seek. But you can only play this card so often before your husband starts ignoring you. So once you’ve laid your cards on the table, it’s best to start moving forward so your husband can see that you’re sincere about not using your words to continually punish him.