What can you do to help someone you care about who is grieving a great loss in life? What do mourners need from those in their support network to cope with the stress of grief and find the courage and strength to face all the changes imposed by the loss?

Here are three actions you can take to be of immediate assistance and help on the long journey of adjusting to the new environment you must face.

1. Be there. At first glance, it seems like the obvious thing anyone should do is side with the bereaved. However, many people hesitate, sometimes out of fear or thinking that others will be there. What is important to consider is that, in the final analysis, only the mourner answers the question of who should be there. If you are a friend, your very presence will never be forgotten. You don’t have to say much. Being close and accepting the pain satisfies one of the most important needs of the bereaved: the recognition and validation of the loss and what the person is going through.

Allow the mourner to be in charge and take cues for what to say. Loss is always part of a story that must be told, especially during grief. Let the dying person do this at his own pace. His biggest challenge as a caretaker of the bereaved is dealing with silence and letting silence play its part. In this sense, too often caregivers try to say something in an attempt to break the silence and alleviate the pain, when their presence and not anything they say says a lot. Nothing you can say will fix it. Share the mourner’s bread.

2. Do the housework. Be proactive and anticipate what the bereaved would normally have been doing if the loss had not occurred. Think of the responsibilities one may have despite a loss. Who depends more on the person who is mourning? Are there other people in a workplace who should be informed? If children are involved, consider what you can do to lighten the burden on the dying in terms of caring for their needs.

Doing household chores is not as easy as it seems. It often requires a lot of time and effort over several days. You may also need to enlist the help of your own family members or friends of the bereaved. Sometimes the tasks may include doing something with the bereaved. Or you may feel that you must play a supportive role in planning the funeral or go to the funeral home with the mourner.

3. Don’t quit early. It is not uncommon for caregivers to feel that their help is no longer needed. Some caregivers tire of the ordeal. After a couple of weeks have passed, many mourners report that those who have been most helpful tend to reduce contact. At first, this seems quite normal. However, it is just at this moment that the mourner usually needs more human contact.

If the loss was the death of a loved one, having to face the ordeal of living without the deceased begins to be more stressful. Bills, new responsibilities, financial assessments, new roles or lawsuits often inundate mourners who, at the very least, need someone to listen to their ongoing difficulties. Furthermore, the false belief of many in the general population that the grievance is a brief period of two or three weeks and that the bereaved should return to normal encourages people to move away and reduce contact.

In reality, the need for human contact is never ending, for all of us. For months you have to have a very special interest in those who are mourning, sometimes up to two years. It is especially important to find out how the person is doing in relation to the new environment to which he is trying to adjust. This should include being willing to talk about the deceased, especially when the mourner brings up the subject.

In short, do everything you can to force yourself to be close to the person who is suffering, especially if you realize that he or she wants you to be there. This is hard. It’s not easy watching someone you care about suffer. However, the reassurance that the mourner receives from his presence is of immense value. This is especially true many months after the loss, as most people think the person is “doing great,” when in reality every day is filled with difficulties. Let the person know that you are still there and conscious.