Seeing Fanton’s Xrytspet© in G10009845788899990766 levitate, in addition to Silzrack, his assistant, along with the FnL7 Time Craft, and the fact that he won’t tell me how he does it, led me to invent.

My invention is the GRAVITY SCREEN which I am sure many will find useful.

For example, placing the gravity screen on the sidewalk in front of your house, allowing your mother-in-law to walk on it, will protect her from the earth’s gravity field. Giving her a push with a broom handle will send her into places unknown if you plan ahead to put glue on the gravity screen that will hold it firmly to her shoes. I am in no way suggesting that you actually do this.

Your boss?

You better think about it!

To understand how the gravity screen works, you need to understand concepts like Density of States and Reciprocal Space. It is also essential to know Dr. Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle and certain precepts given in the General Theory of Relativity on the Curvature of Space. Some of you “in the know” may have already guessed how the gravity screen could have been invented.

You’ll be wrong, so you might as well watch Wimbledon again.

I found my solution to the problem of gravity when I dropped Dr. Hocking’s book “The Universe in a Nutshell” in the bathroom.

I said: “Damn it!”

That was it!

I just had to suppress gravity.

Using my background in materials science and engineering, I stretched my imagination to Dr. Hocking’s Space and EUREKA.

When I was teaching engineering at Iowa State University years ago (1966-1974), I tried to find someone in the Physics Department to work on the superconductivity of ceramics. The literature indicated that eventually such materials would become practical, which they did. He wanted to make the materials and then have the Physics Department assist in measuring the properties.

The end of the story is that everyone was too busy doing something else, so we weren’t the ones who got the Nobel Prize. However, one who turned me down approached me later and asked if we could make things work again. Another scientist wanted to know if we couldn’t get together and build a train using the theory of superconductors.

I was too busy making “flying saucers” at the time, the variety of ceramic that flew through the air at the Atlantic City Rescue Mission, where we sometimes sampled commercial china. We already had a new “cymbal factory” springing up in a cornfield in North Carolina and we had to provide technical support.

I was very busy.

The concept I used to develop my Gravity Screen was not superconductivity but supermagnetivity combined with osmosis. You won’t find “supermagnetity” in your dictionary. I invented the word to prevent outsiders from discovering my concept. Osmosis was used for the same reason. However, I will mention that I had to use the Disturbance Theory.

Well, I soon learned that I had to protect the world from the Gravity Screen.

I lost three keys, a hammer, several screwdrivers, and a ham sandwich to outer space. My neighbor’s dog came home after an absence of seventeen days. He was raw-pawed from walking the Craters of the Moon just north of here.

I had labeled my tools in case they got lost. Got a nice letter from NASA plus the return of a special pair of tweezers that the shuttle astronauts found exactly what was needed to repair the Hubble Space Telescope. They even sent me a plaque. I answered and told them that I can take my toolbox with me on the next mission, but got no response. They don’t allow pig aortic valves on the shuttle unless they’re on a pig. I learned that through the grapevine.

I also found out that Xrytspet© was jealous and had actually sent some of my tools into space, so it’s not my fault if a hammer goes through the International Space Station.

Xrytspet© dissuaded me from the project. He said that my solution was outdated anyway and if I wanted to levitate I could always go with it in the FnL7 Time Craft©.

Rather than alienate her (no pun intended), I decided to drop out of the project. My final decision came when some uniformed men from the Pentagon arrived to snoop around. The last thing I wanted was for the military to use my invention to kill people.

In my mind I could see the insurgents drifting through breathless space.

To rid Earth of the Gravity Screen, I simply tossed it into my trash can and gave it a kick. I got some good shots of it passing in front of the moon using my 35mm camera with a 400mm lens.

The end

copyright©2007 John Taylor Jones, Ph. D. Taylor Jones the Hack Writer

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