I am a stepfather and have been for almost 24 years. When I married my husband, he was the custodial parent of his twin sons who were 5 years old at the time. I had no children of my own. Our first child was born when the children were 8 years old. I quickly learned that being a stepparent is very different from being the biological parent. If I were to summarize what I know are important factors in building a positive relationship with your stepchildren, I would say:

1. Allow plenty of opportunities for your partner to spend time alone with your children. Support the relationship that was established long before you arrived.

2. Be sensitive to what your stepchildren are going through and don’t take things personally. Read books on how to become a successful stepparent.

3. Keep in mind that each age will suit a stepparent differently. Teenagers will take much longer to accept you than very young children.

4. Show respect to the other parent. If your partner is attacking your ex-spouse, you don’t have to agree. It will not improve your relationship with your stepchildren.

5. Parenting someone else’s children can be very stressful. Make sure you take time for yourself by doing things that make you feel good.

6. Keep in mind that these are not your children and that the job of disciplining and setting rules rests primarily with the birth parents. You may not agree with your parenting style, but it’s not your place to try to change things.

7. Attend a support group for blended families or stepparents. You’ll appreciate the support, and you’ll soon discover that the problems you’re dealing with are similar to what others are going through. You will also get useful tips.