I’m a big fan of procedural police dramas. They are comforting and reassuring because they usually include what, why, and a solution. Granted, there is drama throughout the story and the resolution isn’t always satisfying, but the lies and excuses are always exposed. As a victim of narcissistic lies and deceit, I find it reassuring that cops in shows/movies always get to the truth, even if it’s ugly.

As I worked on my recovery from narcissistic abuse, I found another encouraging aspect of police shows. There are two sentences that are commonly used in police dramas that tell a character that they have reached the end. Those sentences are: backing out and End of watch. The reason I find them encouraging is because when applied to dealing with a narcissist, they are permissions to walk away from the abuse.

backing out

In a police drama this expression means stopping a confrontation or ending a state of alert. In real life, this phrase is an authorization so that a victim does not have to engage in a demeaning discussion with a narcissist. It is the security that a victim can end the state of alert that she has maintained throughout the relationship with a narcissist who has intentions to torture. It is also a directive to stop “pecking the bear” in an effort to show that you are not stupid or overly emotional or inferior; the bear will never admit that you are right.

End of watch

On police shows, this phrase is used to refer to the end of a work shift. It is also used as a tribute to law enforcement officers or other public safety officials when they retire or pass away. For a victim of narcissistic abuse, it can mean that the need to watch her back, protect her sanity, or protect her spirit has ended. Just as it can signal the retirement of a police officer, it can represent the departure of a victim from a relationship with a narcissist.

Victims of narcissists rarely have relationships with narcissists because they want to. The victim may have been born to a narcissist. You may have married a facade and now share children with the person behind that facade. The victim’s career may be in the hands of narcissistic bosses. Because there are circumstances that have made it necessary or important to be in the relationship with the narcissist, the victim has been conditioned to “live with it.” Permission for backing out or implement a End of watch It’s a tough thing for victims of narcissistic abuse to deliver, no matter how much they want it. It can be difficult for a police officer to walk away when faced with an obviously guilty person, and it can be frightening for a police officer to walk away. Similar emotions are behind the abuse victim’s hesitancy to deal with a narcissist or end a relationship.

If I had a megaphone that could be heard around the world, I would broadcast this: Attention all victims of narcissistic abuse! You are hereby granted permission to Withdraw and End Your Surveillance. You are allowed to ignore the gaslighting, stop pretending to believe the lies, and even walk away from the relationship.