Sometimes we need a break from dating. A “pause” is a break in something that normally has continuity. You may have heard this term in conjunction with TV shows: “The show is on hiatus until filming begins for the next season.” That means the actors and crew will be taking a break until work starts again.

brick wall

So how do you know it’s time to consider a dating hiatus? It’s when you’ve been dating for many months or years and still don’t seem any closer to meeting the right person than when you started. It’s when you’ve been dating a succession of people but nothing of substance is developing with any of them. Are you starting to feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall? You will feel better if you simply decide to STOP.

You have yourself in a rut. You keep the same things going to meet new people, but every relationship ends and goes nowhere. You are starting to feel so frustrated that it is affecting your relationships with family and friends. You are moody and negative most of the time. You are losing hope of finding someone to love and becoming cynical and sarcastic about your future. Instead of moving forward, you’re going to plummet.

Before you let this mood deteriorate into total depression, there’s one thing you can do to change it: take a break! If you’re on a losing streak and it keeps getting worse instead of better, then do what any smart coach does for a player in that situation. Get out of the game for a while.

break the pattern

When what you’ve been doing just isn’t working, it’s time to stop, break the pattern, and do something different. If you are slipping into a state of misery and frustration, this may be the time when you feel unhappy enough to consider doing some personal growth and spiritual work. Sad but true, most of us don’t take steps to change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same.

This is the time when you are most motivated to find a connection to God, Spirit, Higher Power, or whatever you call the invisible force that created our world. This is the time when you are most open to learning a new way of thinking and a new set of principles to believe and live by that will put you out of your misery and put you back in charge of your life.

If this is how you are today, don’t beat yourself up for not having found the love relationship you so desire. Even the best boxer in the world sometimes has to go down before he can get back up and start fighting again. Give yourself a break and take a break from the dating scene.

pausing

Once you make up your mind and decide that you are going to take a break from dating, you will immediately start to feel a little better. That’s because you’ve taken control of your life again and stopped looking for someone else to make you feel good. The next time a well-meaning friend asks you who you’re dating, you don’t have to feel like a loser or a second-class citizen because you’re alone. You can just say, “Oh, I’m on hiatus right now. I’ve decided not to date for a while.” It is a choice you have made, not an unwanted situation you find yourself in. You are in control and you feel better!

Now is the time to take that class you’ve been meaning to take, start going to church, find a therapist, counselor, or support group. Read a book or two on spiritual principles, study the Bible or other scriptures that interest you. Go back to your religious roots or explore a different philosophy that intrigues you. Try a yoga, meditation, or dance class. Take the hours and hours you used to spend online on dating sites and invest them in yourself.

Before I met my husband, I took a two-year hiatus and did exactly what I suggest you do. That’s why I know it works. What a relief it was to get out of the “look, look, always look” mentality of most singles. I took out my “singles antenna” that was always on the lookout for any man that might be a possibility. I stopped making decisions about whether to go to any event based on how many single men might be there. I accepted my single status and enjoyed all the good things about it.

making changes

I delved into the universal spiritual principles taught in Unity and Religious Science churches and discovered that it actually had the power to change the way I think and what I believe. I created a whole new life for myself and learned to be happy and complete as a single person. I let the old feelings of “not good enough” fade away and replaced them with believing and knowing that my happiness did not depend on having a partner.

Also, I realized that holding on to resentments from the past can prevent you from attracting good things into your life today. Learning to release bitterness and resentment is a necessary step, but one that many people are not willing to take. If you’re having a hard time finding and keeping a good partner today, chances are some anger about a buried past hurt in you is part of the cause.

You don’t have to “forgive” and pretend that whatever they did wasn’t wrong, but unless you release those angry feelings and stop paying attention to them, you will never be free of their influence. Doing this emotional labor may not be much fun, and you may resent the fact that you have to do it! But if you have the courage, you can find a way, and it will make a world of difference in your next relationship. I can swear by that.

When I was secure in knowing that I am enough and don’t need anyone else to be happy, I was able to go back to dating and attracting a great partner in less than a year. It turns out that the solution to the problem was inside me. Once I released my old resentments and learned to appreciate all the good things in my life, I attracted some really good men into my life. I am now happily married to a man who is a perfect match for me.

This dating hiatus idea may seem too radical and extreme to you right now. However, the more people you date and the more unhappy you become, the more it starts to make sense to you. If all you do is take a break for a while, but do nothing to make the necessary changes within yourself during that time, then you can’t expect to get better results when you start dating again. A dating break only works if you work it!

How long?

How long should it take? There are no hard and fast rules about this. It all depends on how much change and growth you need before it can produce a different result for you. My guess would be a minimum of six months to an average of several years.

Sounds impossible to you right now? If you can’t stand the thought of not dating for six months, then you’re in a precarious state of mind, depending too much on being in a relationship to feel good. A dating break might be just what you need, but you may not be ready to accept it just yet. It requires patience and the determination to keep going for as long as it takes. In our instant gratification, quick-fix culture, people don’t like to hear this, but it’s the truth.

Let these ideas sink and roll in your subconscious for a while. Few people will jump up in glee after reading this and yell, “Yeah, I’m going on a hiatus from dating tomorrow!” Give it some time and when the time is right for you (or when you are miserable and frustrated enough), you will know. When done with the right motivation, a break from dating coupled with some personal growth work can be your ticket to a better future. You’ll be back in the dating game with a real chance of winning next time.