There are apparently two types of battered women; those who grow up in an abusive climate and those who grow up in functional families enjoy healthy relationships but then become vulnerable either through bereavement or another major life crisis.

Of the many, many women who have spoken to or written to me over the years, I can only think of two who fall into the second category.

As different as their past relationship experiences may have been, however, in the course of their abusive relationship, the beliefs of these two groups of women become, tragically, indistinguishable.

This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it.

There are essentially two ways that they learn. The first is because of what your partner says. The second is from your interpretation of his behavior.

An abusive partner quickly becomes the most influential person in your life.
He has the power to take them to dizzying heights of happiness (although the statistical odds of this happening drop markedly as the relationship limps along).

He has the power to plunge them into the depths of despair, and he usually does. When he does, his partner needs to explain what has happened to him. She has been constantly programmed to believe that he is a precious diamond (albeit a diamond in the rough). Therefore, the problems in the relationship cannot really be yours. That being the case, they must be hers, right?

Theoretically, there’s good news here: if the responsibility for what’s going wrong in the relationship lies with her, then she just has to figure out what she’s doing wrong in order to change it. Then he will shed the harshness that he sometimes exhibits and forever they will live a life of incomparable joy and delight…

(Yes of course.)

Last night I watched the wonderful Derren Brown illustrate just how susceptible human beings are to suspicion. He created a situation that encouraged 5 people, of proven intelligence, to believe that their random and mindless acts could produce the result they wanted.

Best of all, these 5 resourceful individuals became so obsessed with futile behavior and searching for futile meanings that they missed the solution that he had displayed, quite prominently, hidden in plain sight; if they had only had the attention to look. they didn’t

My guess is that you have probably done that in your relationship. I know I did.

These are some of the lies that blind abused women to the reality of their relationship that is hidden from view.

“Everything is my fault”. Is your partner, perhaps, a newborn baby who can evade responsibility for his own behavior? When he yells obscenities, he foams at the mouth, punches through the wall, or worse, has absolutely no control? Are you really that powerful? (If so, how come you usually feel so helpless in the situation?)

“I’m being stupid.” Yes, you are, but not for the reasons you think. If you can completely dismiss your deep feelings of unhappiness, I have to admit it’s kind of emotionally stupid. If you don’t feel happy with him, the message you need to hear is that being around him makes you miserable. You can be very happy without it; once you get over the belief that you need it to make you happy.

“He doesn’t mean it/He doesn’t want to hurt me.” Maybe, just maybe, if he only said the hurtful things once, that might be true. But when they become a regular part of your repertoire, you better believe that:

a) He doesn’t care what he says to exercise control over you
b) refers to them

“He’s had a bad time.” Ok, so that may be true. The thing is, you too. And you’re putting all your energy into trying to make his life sweeter. This means that you have made the decision to create something meaningful precisely because of your past unhappiness. Sure, it will be even better when you start concentrating on doing it yourself instead of another wounded soldier. But if you’re capable of making that choice, how come he’s not?

“I only know that we can be happy together.” So it’s funny, isn’t it, that you’re saying this at a time when you’re feeling as low as ever in your life, and he has a lot to do with it. Given the chance, I know, you’ll tell me how happy you were at first. (If I had a penny for every time I heard that story, I’d be writing this from my palazzo in Venice, watching the gondolas glide up and down the Grand Canal.) But here’s the thing: your happiness spiel is the redacted version. Behind it is a less attractive story about the things that worried you about him since the word ‘go’. That is, before he went to work hypnotizing you with his silver-tongued lies about knowing you were so wonderful that you could make his life perfect. (Now there’s a difficult task. If he’s not prepared to do it himself, it’s just not going to happen. That’s an unspoken law of the universe.)

“It has a lot of potential.” Maybe it has and maybe it hasn’t. You are not their teacher, their boss or their agent. Even less are you his father or his psychotherapist. Unless you are under 16, and I sincerely hope you are not, it is your responsibility to realize your potential. Also, I really don’t think you’re talking about his potential to make it in the world. What worries him is his potential to become a great life partner. He clearly does not share that concern.

“I’m ruining/I ruined the best relationship I could ever hope for.” There are two glaring inaccuracies in this short sentence. First, the best relationship? Yes, you may have had other terrible relationships, but you wouldn’t be in a state of emotional breakdown right now if this was a good relationship. You would be happy, relaxed, confident. Everything about you screams “bad relationship,” and you know it. As for what’s the best you can hope for, that’s what he told you, right? So it must be correct. Because abusive men are never wrong. Ever. Are they? About everything. Sure, some present themselves very believably to the outside world, but you know as well as I do that within the confines of their home they have a pretty skewed view of most things.

“It’s not him, it’s me.” Well, at least you two agree on something; your hopelessness It can be the basis of a relationship, as you may have already discovered. It is certainly not the basis for a happy and functional one.

These aren’t the only lies battered women tell themselves, but they are some of the most destructive. If it’s lies you’ve been telling yourself, it’s time to seriously think about dating now. Your relationship is the ear of a sow, it will never be a silk bag. More specifically, your partner may be a frog, but he will never be a prince.

You, on the other hand, have so many generous and loving qualities. They are the ones who got you into this relationship in the first place. They are still with you. It’s time for you to seriously think about going out and washing yourself off some of your love. You will be surprised how rich the rewards will be.

(C) 2008 Annie Kaszina