About a year and a half ago, I apparently adopted “It is what it is” as a personal mantra. I use the word “apparently” because I certainly didn’t realize it at the time. Obviously I heard it somewhere, I’m not sure where, but I heard it and it went to that expansive, random region called my brain. I started saying it more and more often, and then I started listening to it ALL the time. It was delivered on almost every television channel, radio station, and even by a preacher from the pulpit. I’m sure that strengthened it even more in my vernacular. Some of those closest to me resisted its deep simplicity and grew increasingly irritated with the frequency with which I invoked it, especially when I would not knowingly do so when I heard someone else hug it so wisely.

A frequent argument from those who came to hate the phrase was “That’s so defeatist. That’s like giving up.” They were right. I agreed, on the part about giving up anyway. It seems that we did not agree on the benefit of missing some things. I do not declare that things are what they are simply because I do not want to do anything to change them. Anyone who knows me knows that normally I would serve as a major motivator: the idea of ​​changing something that is considered immutable. Nor do I proclaim “it is what it is” as a rejection of my abilities to enact universal change or a statement that reflects apathy.

For me, affirming that something “is what it is” is an acknowledgment of my identity as a mortal. It is a declaration of humility. It is the recognition and acceptance that I am not so incredible as to be able to bend each and every one of the things to my will when I want, nor do I believe that my path is always the best. I compare this phrase with the principles of the Serenity Prayer. If it belongs to you and you don’t like it, change it. If it belongs to someone else and you don’t like it, find a way to live with it or let it go because it’s not yours to mess with anyway. And learn where these limits are in yourself, in your relationships, in life.

I have found this phrase to come back to me over and over again in the clients I work with in my practice. I encourage all my clients to seek their responsibility in situations, to hold themselves accountable and then only accept responsibility and accountability for what belongs to them and for what they can change if they wish. As for the rest … let it go. It is what it is. It is not yours; therefore it is not yours to fix.

“It is what it is” is not defeatist, lazy, or listless. It is responsible, healing and liberating. At least that has been my experience and the experience of several others. If what you’re doing now doesn’t work, give it a try. Serenity now!