Introduction

“It just hit me out of the blue when Mike dumped me. We hadn’t really been together that long, but I thought I finally found my true soul mate. Now it’s over and I feel totally rejected like no one ever has.” will love me again It’s so hard to find a decent guy and now I have to start all over again; I do not know if I can. I feel like a failure in relationships. I just don’t know what to do. ” –Eric

“Steve and I broke up after eight years together. The house feels so empty without him and the pain can be so unbearable at times. The loneliness is the worst part for me and it’s like there’s a big hole inside of me, this nagging pain. that’s not going to go away. I think about it all the time and wonder if I’ll ever get over it. I’ve never felt more alone and confused in my life.” –Josh

The end of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences we can go through. Having made ourselves vulnerable by opening our hearts to another and loving them to the best of our ability almost feels spiritual; it has now been replaced by an overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness that feels quite devastating. The amount of time together, the quality of the relationship, and the level of emotional investment in it determine the intensity of the injury experienced when you and your lover separate.

This article will explore the grieving process related to relationship breakups and offer tips and strategies to ease your grievance and move toward healing so you can start your life on a better footing.

The grieving experience

The experience of breaking up with a boyfriend or partner can be compared to a death, with layers and layers of resulting loss. Not only is their absent physical presence felt as a loss, but other losses such as hopes, dreams, expectations, identity, security, and trust aggravate and complicate their adjustment. Life as you knew it has been shaken and your vision of your future has been altered. You live a roller coaster of emotions. It is common to feel rejected, abandoned, insecure, powerless and hopeless. Confusion and a sense of failure and regret are common, as are varying degrees of anger, depression, and guilt. You might even worry about your ex lover, obsess over him and constantly think about your life together and what he might be doing now.

In her book, “Healing A Broken Heart” (1997), Nancy Joy Carroll, ED.D describes four stages of relationship loss that are common after a breakup. They include the following:

Stage 1: Shock and Denial: This usually happens immediately after separation. You may feel numb, believe this can’t be happening, and minimize the reality of the situation. He feels sad, angry, confused and may blame himself.

Stage 2: Despair: You begin to see that the end is inevitable and you experience deep sadness, loneliness, depression and lack of concentration. You can try to negotiate with his partner to try to convince him to give the relationship another chance. You idealize your partner. You feel unpleasant, you wonder if you can do it on your own, and you feel a loss of identity.

Stage 3: Detachment: The anger becomes more pronounced and you begin to hold your partner responsible for the breakup of the relationship. This stage is particularly helpful as your anger helps you distance yourself from him and you are not as entangled.

Stage 4: Recovery: In this final stage, you come to terms with the loss and learn to “let go,” redefining yourself as a single man again and feeling more empowered to cultivate new experiences and opportunities for personal growth.

Advice along the path of complaint
You are going through a major change in your identity. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you go through the grieving process. Keep these tips in mind as you delve deeper into the pain you are experiencing to avoid any blocks or impediments in the way of healing. It can be a difficult road, but staying focused and mindful will promote a smoother and more successful transition to the “new you.”

· Everyone grieves at their own pace and pace; there is no timeline, so don’t rush. Sometimes it can take years.

·As you go through the stages of loss, keep in mind that healing is not linear. Expect to progress up and down through the stages. bear through it.

Avoid stuffing your feelings; be open to them no matter how much it hurts. Repressing your emotions only puts a temporary Band-Aid on your suffering and prolongs your healing. It’s okay to cry.

Avoid self-medicating with your feelings. Beware of alcohol, drugs, gambling, work, food, sex or other vices to comfort yourself in this difficult time. These can distract you from your grief work and become addictions.

Depression and anxiety are common emotions during this time period. If your experience interferes with your daily functioning or carrying out daily tasks, seek the help of a licensed mental health therapist.

Previous losses and unfinished business from the past can be triggered when you encounter the loss of a relationship. Be prepared to deal with these as well.

Avoid making important decisions in life. Give yourself time to become more grounded and centered first. Tort can have a deceptive way of clouding our judgment if care is not taken.

Avoid jumping into another relationship right away. Grieve this one completely first.

· Ignore others’ attempts to tell you how you should feel or that you should be “over it.” They did not live their experience and usually project their own discomfort with loss and hurt.

Avoid being friends with your ex initially. It is common for gay men to remain friends with their ex-boyfriends; decide for yourself if this is something you could do, and if so, allow yourself some time and space first to grieve. It can be very difficult to make the transition from “life partner” to “just friends” immediately after a breakup. You need time to heal and be able to properly see your ex in a new role.

Additional Healing Tips and Strategies

· Provide daily structure to stay grounded. Stay busy, but not too busy to distract from your emotional work.

Connect with others. Surround yourself with positive friends who are supportive and committed to life, no matter how difficult it is. Join a grievance support group in your area to be with others who may share similar circumstances with you and normalize your grievance.

Find a renewed sense of purpose and passion. Join an organization or cause you care about, take a class, pick up a new hobby, get involved! Bring healthy pleasure to your life.

Learn to feel comfortable being alone. Do some relaxing and nourishing activities. Find value in self-renewal.

Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself. Work with a life coach to help you learn about healthy relationships and create a new vision for your future. Recognize patterns in your relationships and identify areas where you can improve your relationship skills.

·Challenge negative self-talk by replacing it with more nurturing, affirming, and coping thoughts. Identify your strengths and values ​​to increase your self-esteem. Use the power of affirmations and write them on index cards for quick reference.

Remove items that remind you of your ex lover and store them somewhere so they aren’t a constant visual trigger for you. There will come a time when they won’t be so jarring to you.

·Create a closing ritual for your relationship (eg, have an “I’m Moving On” party with close friends, etc.) Find a way to commemorate the relationship and what it meant to help you “let go.”

Create a scrapbook or collage of memories of your relationship when you’re ready.

Release your feelings productively. Take out several sheets of paper and at the top of each one write an emotion you feel (sad, angry, hurt, resentful, etc.). Then, across the full length of the paper, write “I feel…” and fill in the blank about that particular emotion to release all the feelings you have about it as it pertains to your complaint. relationship. Do some self-soothing afterwards.

·Keep a journal or write a letter to your ex-lover sharing your feelings and what the relationship meant to you, etc. DO NOT SEND THIS TO YOUR EX! This is for your therapeutic benefit only. Or talk to an empty chair pretending your ex is sitting there and practice processing your emotions this way. This can be extremely cathartic.

conclusion

Breaking up is hard to do, as an old song once said. Realize that your pain is a tribute to the meaning this relationship had for you and that you are a survivor. How you choose to deal with the breakup will affect the direction of your life and how soon you can rebuild your life. Identify healthy outlets that you can channel your feelings into, identify potential blocks that could get in the way of your healing process, and allow yourself to be open to love again when you are ready. A new beginning with opportunity and possibility awaits you on the other side of the rainbow.

Reference: Carroll, Nancy Joy. Healing a Broken Heart: A Recovery Manual for the Loss of a Relationship. Brentwood, TN: Life Skills Publications, 1997.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Certified Personal Life Coach Brian Rzepczynski is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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