The holidays are coming up and your best friend is in mourning. The excitement of the season is diminished by the lingering melancholy of sadness and loss. How do you answer? What can you say that he acknowledges his pain, while drawing them into the joy of the season?

When someone close loses a loved one, no amount of comfort seems adequate. Kind words and deeds barely scratch the surface of the deep grief that grips the human heart. But actually, the presence of caring friends eases pain and sorrow, and makes grief bearable.

Constant and dependent love and support are the ingredients that nurture healing and recovery. What to say or do is not as important as simply being there. Grievers often isolate themselves, unsure of their ability to handle the chaos within themselves. When a sensitive and understanding friend reaches out with a smile and a touch, the dust settles and the mourner is relieved. Stress is converted into productive energy and coping skills are restored.

In general, there are two aspects of grievance that friends can help with: social/emotional and practical. Let’s look at the social/emotional first.

o Listen quietly and carefully. It is the best gift a friend can offer. Expressing your feelings breaks the feeling of distance and lightens the load. A shared grievance is the beginning of healing.

o Cry with them if they cry. We should not be afraid of tears.
Crying brings physical and emotional relief and relieves pain and sadness. When friends cry too, recognize the deep loss your friend is experiencing.

o Laugh if they laugh. Some aspects of your story may have a humorous note. Emotions fluctuate and can change quickly. By allowing someone to express exactly what they feel, we are accepting the state of mind they are in, rather than trying to change it.

o Ask probing questions. “Are you sleeping well?” “Do you go out every day more or less?” Listen carefully to his response. Mourners often try to reassure everyone that they are okay. Do some research and schedule times to go out together.

o Relate things you know or liked about the deceased. Remembering an incident or character trait acknowledges the importance of the person and keeps the energy of it alive.

o Be alert to ongoing feelings or issues that are of concern. Persistent depression, chronic anger, and physical aches or pains are common to the bereaved state. But if it seems excessive to you, it may need professional attention. Mention him, without judgment, with an offer to help find a competent and understanding attorney.

The practical aspect of helping the bereaved is just that. It’s about doing the ordinary, everyday tasks that can’t be put off because someone has died. There are endless jobs to attend to and offering a helping hand will be welcome. Here are some ideas:

o Running errands to the grocery store, pharmacy, post office, dry cleaner – any trip that interrupts the daily schedule.

o Offer to drive your friend to appointments. When emotions are compromised, driving and being alone in public places can be scary. Someone’s presence is reassuring.

o There is always work to do around the house. A little dusting, laundry, meal preparation, and cleaning not only relieves your friend of the housework, but also gives him company while he takes care of a few things.

o The mountain of paperwork that erupts after a tragedy is overwhelming. I remember sitting at the dining room table wondering, “When do they let you cry?” Legal documents, policies, certificates, whatever you have, all must be accounted for and in order. Help where you can and seek resources when you can’t. It is this aspect that undermines the complaints process and commits time and energy.

The need to comfort a grieving friend can occur at any time of the year. But the holidays are especially difficult when one has lost someone important. An outpouring of support and comfort from dear friends eases the sense of loss and allows the bereaved to enter the celebration of the season full of hope and love from those who care.