I recently received a question from a wife who wanted to know if she or her husband should move in a last ditch effort to save the marriage. Apparently, they had gotten to the point where the relationship was only going backwards instead of forwards and things between them were rapidly taking a turn for the worse. The wife wondered if perhaps some time apart would be beneficial. Perhaps this would give both of them time to calm down and see things more objectively.

The danger of one of them moving out, of course, was that the person who left would never return and that the move would only be the first step towards divorce. This was something that needed to be fully considered and weighed against the fact that, as it stood now, nothing was really changing or improving. In the next article, I’ll discuss ways to strike a balance between taking a relaxing break and allowing the move to be the first step in breaking up the marriage. I will also share my experience and opinion on the subject.

Why moving can work to save your marriage, but often doesn’t: In fact, my husband moved away for a while. But a short time later, when it became clear that nothing was changing or getting better, he filed for divorce. So, we got off to a really bad start and fell into the trap that a lot of couples who try the move-in strategy fall into.

The most important thing in getting one of you to move is to allow the pause to clear things up a bit. The hope is that the disruption of fighting, disagreeing or going round and round in circles is broken so that the same negative cycles are not repeated and no real or positive change is ever made. The hope is that since you’re not putting all of your focus just on engaging, you can be more objective and proactive so you can work on problems instead of working on matchups with each other.

This is the idea anyway, but many couples don’t even come close to this. Why? Because they don’t clearly define their goals and wishes before one of them moves in. Perhaps the departure was made out of anger or haste and there was really no time to do this. Maybe no one really wanted to have this awkward conversation. However, if you don’t at least try to set clear goals, then you run the risk of just wandering off and leaving the other to fend for himself.

And often what happens here is that you’ll be wandering around aimlessly waiting to see what happens. Then, when nothing really works, one or both spouses will assume that this “just doesn’t work” and one of them will pull the trigger to formalize the separation or file for divorce. This is so typical but so avoidable.

Walking the line between making progress and trying too hard: As if I haven’t given you much to think about, here’s something else. One of your goals should be to create an environment in which your spouse begins to perceive that you are desirable and worth fighting for or returning to. Many people know this deep down, but they will go about it the wrong way. They will “control” or hold on too much. Your actions will make it very clear that your main focus right now is simply getting your spouse home as soon as possible rather than putting in the effort to actually change something or make improvements. Most spouses will pick up on this and resist even more. This is exactly what happened to me. My clinging and following only made me seem more unstable and therefore unattractive.

The best tactic to take is to really and truly try to improve both your marriage and YOURSELF during this break. Don’t just tell them you’re out and handle things they actually do. I know it can be very difficult and I know that most days you won’t feel that way. But, you want your spouse to see that you are capable, that you are strong, and that you think of yourself enough to make yourself a priority. And this will often show your spouse little pictures of you as they used to know you: active, engaged, and exciting. I got lucky with this method and really needed an instruction manual to remind me to stay the course. But once I got the hang of it, it worked wonderfully.

Achieve the same as moving without anyone having to leave: I admit that sometimes it gets to the point where one of you moving is the only reasonable alternative. But, other times, you can take a crack at one of you leaving for a few days, or visiting family or friends. Or, you can both promise to put all conflict on hold and focus on yourselves for a while. It really is advisable to pause to calm down in this situation. And it can also help to allow them the time and distance to miss you.

But I always advise you to try the alternatives first, giving space while no one leaves, before a person leaves the house. There is certainly risk involved with this. But, sometimes it’s worth the risk when done right and it actually saves the marriage instead of ending it.