Lifestyle Fashion

My husband cannot decide if he wants to save our marriage. How long should I wait for your decision?

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for one spouse to be determined to save their marriage and the other is simply not sure if this is what they want to do. I often hear from wives who are trying to convince their husbands to work with them in the present to save the marriage.

I recently heard from someone who wanted to know if you were supposed to give your husband an ultimatum or a deadline to make this decision. She said, in part: “For the past two months, our marriage has been very unstable. It is clear to me that if we don’t get aggressive to save our marriage, soon there will be nothing left. Things are getting worse every day and it’s so hard for us. me to watch him go by without doing anything to save him. I want my husband to commit to working with me to save our marriage. But he won’t make that commitment yet. He says he’s not sure our marriage can be saved and he’s not sure if he wants to waste time, money, or go through an emotional roller coaster. Every time I ask him when he might have an answer about what he wants to do, he says he doesn’t know yet and gets mad that I’m pressuring him. But in the meantime, our marriage continues. deteriorating. Should I give him a deadline to make his decision? I feel like my life is in limbo while I wait for him. It seems so unfair that everything depends on his decision, but I can’t live my life waiting. “

This is a very common complaint. Many wives believe that their husbands are not acting (or deciding) fast enough and it begins to seem like he is never going to make a move or take a chance. You’re right that this delay is frustrating and unfair, but there is a real danger in pushing him too quickly toward the answer you hope he won’t give you. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

How long you wait for your husband to make a decision about saving your marriage (or letting it go) often depends on how involved you are in that same marriage: I understand losing patience with this process. When I was trying to save my own marriage (and my husband eventually moved), this whole turn of events seemed to drag on forever. And while sometimes he wanted to speed up time so that he could see how everything would work out on its own, sometimes he was afraid of exactly this because he knew there was a possibility that once he made a final decision, that very decision. It could be to go ahead and get a divorce and end the marriage for good. He was very clear about the fact that this was not what he wanted. So ultimately, I was willing to wait as long as it took (although I didn’t like having to wait that long).

However, I was always pretty determined that as long as there was a chance that he would decide to work with me to save our marriage, I owed it to myself not to rush him into giving up or deciding to move on because he was tired. of me constantly pressuring him or reminding him how long he’d been waiting for him to make a decision. Yes, that was frustrating, but I always thought that as long as I could wait without a definite and definite no, we still had a chance. And as long as I could see at least some progress or bright spots in an otherwise delicate process, I was willing to be more patient than I ever thought possible from me.

I would certainly understand a different thought process, especially if you also harbor some doubts about your marriage. It is easier to walk away in a certain period of time if you yourself are not fully involved and harbor your own doubts.

There are many things you can do on your own to save or work on your marriage while you wait for your husband to make a decision: Although I really don’t like the phrase “work on your marriage” because it carries negative connotations that make many people reluctant to commit to it, you should know that this process is entirely possible on its own, especially in the beginning. You don’t need your husband’s commitment or even his full cooperation to get started.

There are many things you can start doing without announcing it or even asking your permission or cooperation. You and only you can take an inventory of your marriage, your problems, and your husband’s perceptions of the same thing on your own. Your job is to change your husband’s negative perceptions and feelings on these issues (to the extent that you can) without his cooperation or even without him knowing what he is doing.

Here is just one example. A very common complaint I hear from husbands in this situation is that “the spark is gone” and that they do not want to have to express their feelings or go to therapy to recover something that has been dead for a long time. They see this as a waste of time, money, and their emotional resources (which they don’t like to share anyway). But what if you could start making progress in this area on your own, and what if your husband could harvest? the rewards without lifting a finger? Do you think then I could change my mind about cooperating, compromising, and saving your marriage?

Because nothing says you can’t channel the woman who first put a spring in your husband’s step with her playful personality and infectious laugh. There’s nothing that says you can’t stay positive and playful for him to respond the way you want, even when both of you may have some doubts. Yes, this requires you to take a chance. And you may have to stay the course when he looks at you with a bit of confusion in his eyes because he’s not sure where this is all coming from. But what does it matter when you’re taking the first steps to saving your marriage, making major improvements, and probably achieving that positive decision and commitment from him that you’ve been waiting for all along? My answer to the question posed is that if you are committed to your marriage, you are often willing to wait as long as it takes while gently nudging your husband toward the desired response. And personally I think ultimatums and deadlines are often counterproductive.