Many conversations about infidelity are started by someone who is trying to maintain their marriage. It is rare to hear from someone who has no part in the marriage, but it does happen sometimes. Every now and then “the other woman” is heard feeling some pain or remorse. Sometimes he doesn’t want to get close to his wife. She just wants someone to listen to her and she doesn’t need that person to be the wife.

However, there are times when the other woman claims to feel this overwhelming need to communicate directly with the wife to offer some kind of apology. Here’s what you may hear: “I can’t say I had an affair with a married man. I don’t consider it an affair. I had sex with a colleague when we were at a conference over a weekend and it never happened again. I have the firm belief that if we hadn’t been together in such close quarters with drinking involved, it never would have happened. I’m not even attracted to the boy. And I avoid him at work. I’m married too. So I know how devastating it would be if he were my spouse who cheated on me. I feel so bad about this that sometimes it’s all I can think of. I have met the other man’s wife briefly at work. her and I’m sorry. I’m a Facebook friend, but we’re not close friends. Based on some of her posts, I’m pretty sure her husband told her about the affair or she found out from other coworkers. However, I am happy to see that based on their current posts and photos it looks like they are trying to figure it out. I long to apologize to her, but I’m not sure what is the best way to do it. How should I do it? “

I’m going to try to say this in the gentlest way possible. But as a woman who has been on the other side of this fence when trying to rebuild my marriage after cheating, I don’t think you should at all.

Why? Because I can’t see him helping the wife at all. I don’t see any advantage for her. You say it looks like he’s trying to move on. So what would the fact of you suddenly showing up do for her? It would bring back bad memories. It could thwart your progress. Sure, it might make you feel better if you vent. But your concern is for her, right?

If that’s true, and you really want to do what’s best for her, my suggestion is that you don’t do anything. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But I think the best thing for her is that you go back and leave her and her husband alone. If he feels a compelling need to talk to you, he will reach out. But I think it’s best to respect your privacy and your marriage and leave this in the past, where it belongs.

I can only speak for myself, but if the “other woman” had suddenly appeared and expressed that she only wanted to tell me how sorry she was, I would not have welcomed this. I wouldn’t have made any sense of it and this intrusion wouldn’t have helped me or offered me anything but frustration or discomfort. Of course, everyone is different, but I rarely see the encounters or interactions between the wife and the other woman go well. I hardly ever see this scenario achieve anything positive.

You can make yourself feel better by writing in a journal why you are sorry and what you are doing in your own life to correct it. What you really want is to be able to release your feelings. There is a way to achieve that without taking down anyone else or involving anyone else. Your pain is really yours. And there is nothing wrong with expressing it to yourself.

Because I suspect that what the wife wants is not your pity or your apology. You probably want to get on with your life. And when you suddenly appear, she can’t do that. Suddenly you have to stop your urge and revisit the past. I can only speak for myself, but this kind of pause would not be welcome or healthy in my opinion. I suspect that if he wants to communicate, he will let you know. Otherwise, it is better for both families to try to go ahead and deal with the people within their own homes.

You have said that there is nothing between you and the other man and that there never will be, so why dig up something that was long gone and was nothing to begin with?