Everybody gets angry sometimes. High conflict people get angry most of the time. A simple technique called the “EAR Statement” can help you calm others down. This is especially helpful if you have a close relationship or a position of authority. High conflict people tend to emotionally attack those closest to them and those in authority, especially when they are frustrated and cannot handle their own emotions. The intensity of their uncontrolled emotions can really catch you off guard. But if you practice making EAR statements, you can connect with annoying people and usually help them calm down.

EAR Statements for High Conflict Persons
EAR stands for Empathy, Attention and Respect. It’s the opposite of what you feel like you give someone when he or she is upset and verbally lashes out at you! However, you will be surprised how effective this is when she does it right. An EAR Statement connects with the person’s experience, with their feelings. For example, suppose someone verbally attacks you for not returning a phone call as quickly as she would have liked. “You don’t respect me! You don’t care how long I have to wait to solve this problem! You’re not doing your job!”

Instead of defending yourself, give the person an EAR Statement like, “Wow, I can hear how upset you are. Tell me what’s going on. I share your concerns about this issue and respect your efforts to resolve it.”

This statement included:

EMPATHY: “I can hear how upset you are.”
WARNING: “Tell me what’s going on.”
RESPECT: “I respect your efforts.”

The importance of empathy
Empathy is different from sympathy. Having empathy for someone means that you can feel the pain and frustration they are feeling, and you have probably felt similar feelings in your own life. These are normal human emotions and are usually triggered in people close to you because emotions are contagious. When you show empathy for another person, you are treating them as a caring partner who you can relate to as an equal in distress.

Sympathy is when you see someone else in a bad situation that you are not in. You can feel sorry for them and sympathize or pity them, but it’s often a one-up, one-down situation. There is more of a gap between those who give sympathy and those who receive it.

But you don’t even have to use the word “empathy” to make a statement showing empathy. Here are some examples: “I can see how important this is to you.” “I understand that this can be frustrating.” “I know this process can be confusing.” .””I’d like to help you if I can.””Let’s see if we can figure this out together.”

The importance of attention
Getting attention is one of the most important concerns of high conflict people. They often feel ignored or disrespected and get into conflict as a way to get the attention of those around them. Many have a lifetime history of alienating the people around them, so they look to others—professionals, friends, and new acquaintances—for attention. However, they are rarely satisfied and keep trying to get more attention. If you show that you are willing to give your full attention for a while, they often calm down.

There are many ways to let a person know that you are paying attention. For example, you can say:

“I’ll listen as carefully as I can.”
“I will pay attention to your concerns.”
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“Tell me more!”

You can also show care in non-verbal ways, such as:

Have good “eye contact” (keep your eyes focused on the person)
Nod your head up and down to show that you are attentive to their concerns.
Lean in to pay more attention
Put your hand close to them, such as on the table next to them.
(Be careful not to touch an upset HCP directly – it can be misinterpreted as a threat, innuendo, or put-down)

The importance of respect
Anyone in distress, and especially healthcare professionals, need the respect of others. Even the most difficult and annoying person often has some quality that you can respect. By recognizing that quality, you can calm a person who is desperate for respect. Many high conflict people are used to being disrespected and being independent and “not needing others.” This characteristic often leads them into conflict with those around them, who do not wish to see them as superior and are tempted to try to put them down. This only makes the HCP even more annoyed. Here are several statements that show respect:

“I can see that you are a hard worker.”
“I respect your commitment to resolve this issue.”
“I respect your efforts on this.” “I respect your success in achieving ____________.”
“You have important skills that we need here.”
Why EAR is so important for people in high conflict

Annoying people, especially people with high conflict, may not get empathy, attention, and respect anywhere else. They have usually alienated most of the people around them. It’s the last thing anyone wants to give them. They are used to being rejected, abandoned, insulted, ignored, and disrespected by those around them. They are hungry for empathy, care and respect. They are looking for it anywhere they can get it. So just give it to him. It’s free and you don’t sacrifice anything. You can still set boundaries, deliver bad news, and maintain a social or professional distance. It just means that you can connect with them to solve a particular problem and treat them as an equal human being, whether you agree or strongly disagree with their part of the problem.

Many healthcare professionals also have difficulty controlling their own emotions. Since brain researchers have learned that we “mirror” the emotional expressions of others, it makes sense to respond to upsetting people calmly and realistically, so that they mirror us, rather than us mirroring their state. upset mood (which is what most people do most of the time, and it only makes things worse).

Manage your tonsil
Of course, this is the opposite of what we feel like doing. You may think to yourself, “There’s no way I’m going to listen to this after the way I’ve been verbally attacked!” But that’s just your amygdala talking, in an effort to protect you from danger. Our brains are very sensitive to threats, especially our tonsils (you have one in the middle of your right brain and one in the middle of your left). Most people, while growing up, learn to manage their amygdala’s impulsive and protective responses and override them with a rational analysis of the situation, using their behind-the-forehead prefrontal context.

In fact, that’s a lot of what adolescence is all about: learning what a crisis is that needs an instant protective response (amygdala), and learning what situations aren’t a crisis and instead need a calm, rational response (prefrontal cortex). High-conflict people often experienced abuse or entitlement growing up, and did not have the secure, balanced connection needed to learn these emotional self-management skills. So you can help them by helping yourself not to overreact. Just use your own prefrontal cortex to manage your own amygdala, which will help the annoying person to manage theirs.

It’s not about you!
To help you stay calm in the face of the other person’s upset, remind yourself “it’s not about you!” Don’t take it personally. It is about the person’s own discomfort and the lack of sufficient skills to manage their own emotions. Try making EAR statements and you will find that they often end the attack and calm the person down. This is especially true for high conflict people (HCPs) who regularly have a hard time calming down. All of the above EAR statements are reassuring statements. They let the other person know that you want to connect with him or her, instead of threatening him or her. It’s their problem and you don’t have to defend yourself or explain yourself. It’s not about you!

What to Avoid About EAR Don’t Lie: Annoying people are often hypersensitive to lies. If you really can’t empathize with the person, find something you can respect that they did. If you really can’t respect the person, just pay attention. You can always say, “Tell me more.” This calms the person down, because she tells her that you will listen to her without you needing to convince her to do so. If your body language shows that you’re open to listening, most upset people will feel better and calm down enough to tell you what’s going on.

You don’t have to listen forever: EAR doesn’t mean just listening. It is a statement in response to the person’s upset mood, which you can use at any time. It can help you wrap up a conversation, if you need to do something else. High conflict people are notorious for talking non-stop. Keep in mind that high-conflict people often don’t get a sense of relief from telling their story or talking about their pain—they’ve told it too many times, and it’s stuck. Often, they are stuck trying to get empathy, attention, and respect from others, so if you just give them an EAR statement, they may not feel the need to keep talking or talk as long. You can interrupt an annoying person most of the time, telling them how you can empathize with and respect them.

EAR doesn’t mean you agree or disagree: Giving your empathy, care, and respect helps you connect with an annoying person as a human being. It does not mean that you agree or disagree with his point of view. Too often, people get stuck arguing over a “problem.” But with high conflict people “the problem isn’t the problem” it’s their inability to manage their own emotions and sometimes their behavior. If you are asked if you agree or disagree, simply explain that you care or want to help.

Maintain an “arms’ distance” relationship: Giving your empathy, attention, and respect to an upset person doesn’t mean you have to be close. You can still maintain a professional relationship, a co-worker relationship, a neighbor relationship, etc. In fact, it’s wise not to get too close to a high-conflict person, so you don’t raise your expectations that they’ll take responsibility for your well-being or plan to spend more time together than you intend.

Conclusion Everyone gets angry sometimes. You don’t have to be a high conflict person to be upset. In times of trauma, anger, and sadness, we really need the human connection of knowing that someone has empathy for us, is paying attention to us, and still respects us. You can give anyone an EAR statement to help calm them down. Nothing in this article is meant to mean that only HCPs get angry.

Making EAR statements, or nonverbally showing empathy, care, and respect, can help you defuse or avoid many potentially conflicting situations. It can save you time, money, and emotional energy for years to come. But it takes a lot of practice. You can start calming high conflict people today!