Relationship

Avoid a second trip to divorce court

Co-parenting with your new spouse will probably be one of the hardest things you’ll ever attempt. In fact, two out of three second marriages fail in the first five years. The good news is that once you get past that point, second marriages are statistically stronger than first marriages. The question is: How do you become the one in three that lasts? Ask any marriage counselor and they will probably tell you to put your relationship first, above all else. That seems like a no-brainer, but what does it really mean? Just telling someone to focus on their marriage is too vague to be of any help.

How to be the only couple that does it

Obviously there is no magic wand; But there are steps you can take right now to strengthen your stepfamily. I am going to share what I believe to be the #1 most important key to success. In order to narrow the subject and give some concrete and practical advice, I am going to focus on an aspect of the couple’s relationship that is specifically related to raising children.

So here it is, my #1 strategy: Get on the same page!

your parenting style

You and your partner each developed a parenting style over time. Her relationship with her children began with instant love and her parenting style emerged as her children went through different stages. As this foundation evolved, some of its norms and expectations took root.

Your new spouse’s parenting style

Now let’s move on. You are in a new relationship with someone who also has children. Like you, he or she developed a parenting style and set his or her own standards and expectations. Fusing your two styles can be trickier than you think. While it’s important to be on the same page about your overall parenting philosophy and overall goals, it’s equally important that you consider the seemingly mundane routines of life. Some of these include: bedtime, mealtime, personal hygiene, homework and assignments, and academic expectations (just to name a few).

Prevent moles from turning into mountains

These “little” details can sneak in as annoyances and become a full-blown wedge between you and your spouse (kids can smell a wedge from a mile away, by the way). The key is to consider the details. prior to they become a problem. Have a game plan for how and when to reconcile your expectations, if at all. There are many variables that will affect your decisions, such as the ages of your children, whether or not the children live with you, your relationship to the other parents, etc. You may not want to change some things. This is fine, but be prepared to explain to your children why there is one expectation for them and another for the other group of children.

To get started, try this exercise:

First, identify your expectations for each of the items listed below. Next, ask your spouse to list their expectations on a separate sheet of paper. Now identify the areas of agreement and disagreement. The goal at this point is not to agree on everything, but rather to acknowledge the areas where you have different beliefs and values ​​so that you can make deliberate decisions about how to proceed.

  • rituals before bed: how rigid time is (does 8:00 mean 8:00, or does it mean 8:15 or 8:30? Where do the kids sleep, when do the lights go out, what about the stories, etc.)
  • food: where do we eat, what happens if someone does not like the food, what do we eat or do we not have for breakfast, dinner? How much is enough or too much, what about snacks?
  • Hygiene: how often do young children take baths, at night or in the morning, how long do showers last, what happens to their teeth, feet, hair, clothes?
  • Tasks and Assignments: Do the children have homework? At what age do they start, are boys and girls expected to do the same? How is distributing money tied to chores?
  • Academic Expectations: Is a “C” good enough, who reviews homework and how, what are the consequences for poor performance or behavior?

Help is available! These are just a few considerations. For guidance on how to go through this process and to help find the middle ground, please email me to schedule a consultation. Together, we can determine if a parenting coach is right for your stepfamily.

(c) 2009 Blackwell Family Resources, LLC All rights reserved