My husband is a good, kind and loving man. He takes care of her responsibilities, plays with our daughter and is a good father to her. He is a good husband to me too. However, lately he’s been on a nasty losing streak which I think arose as a result of financial pressure. We both made the decision to quit our full-time jobs to run businesses in pursuit of a better life for ourselves and our daughter. Our marriage has also been solid until recently.

He started acting irrational, getting mad at me for staying home when I got sick, so I decided not to rest anymore and go to work. Apparently his medical practice is now my problem, he hired someone who he told he could start work at 10. Two mornings ago when I had a terrible flu I thought I could spend the day in bed medicated. I dropped our daughter off at daycare and came home. He was in bed. I woke him up and asked him if he wasn’t going to work. He asked me what time it was and I told him it was almost nine. Suddenly he gets out of bed, starts yelling at me that we can’t play with practice, and acts like a complete idiot. He then drives like an idiot and when I ask him why he was driving that way, he says “personal reasons”. Really? Are you saying “what…”? Good.

I ignored him for the rest of the day. The next day he tried to talk to me like nothing was wrong and I wasn’t having it. So he decided to do the same to me. He likes to play that game. Usually I am the one who brings peace. Not this time. I went to his office and told him to go away. Then I went out.

Now that may not have been the best way to handle things, but I was sick of his crap. Oh, and by the way, when I told him that I should consider his behavior, he tells me “that’s silly what you just said”. I know well, who does this guy think he is? He is not the good, warm-hearted man I married, that’s for sure. Anyway, I decided I’m tired of him, but for someone to change, you have to be the change you want to see. So here are six ways I’m approaching the situation.

1. Communicate

It’s challenging but it’s one of the foundations of marriage. You will need to communicate how you feel and make it clear that the behavior is not acceptable to you. Once you have communicated this, take a stand. Don’t just say you won’t tolerate it and then do nothing. It is sure to happen again and when it does, it is important that you maintain your position that you will not accept it. If you reacted by yelling, criticizing, arguing, or worse yet, walking away, you will need to react differently after communicating your disdain.

2. Be the change you want to see

Most people learn by what they see. If my husband acts like an idiot and I go crazy, he will not learn anything valuable and his rotten behavior will continue. The best way to get him to change is to continue to be a good wife and when he acts like a jerk I just tell him “I’m not doing this to you” and walk away. I have now disarmed the situation. Why? He wants a war, but he will have to fight it alone. That’s not fun now, is it?! Then he will realize that he has to take a different approach. Bingo!

3. Control your watch face

Although there are two people in a marriage, the key here is that there are two people. Each of the two is an individual. Most of us women tend to give so much of ourselves that we lose who we are as individuals. Yes, a wife is supposed to take care of her husband, her family and her home. That doesn’t mean she should stop looking out for her own interests. I believe that a woman is the glue that holds a family together. That is a huge responsibility and it requires you to be mentally and physically fit. She finds peace and contentment by doing things that satisfy you inside. We act and react based on what happens inside us. If we take care of the interior, the exterior will do the same. So go ahead, date the girls, get your nails done, take that business course, whatever makes you happy.

4. Be more of a giver than a taker

My husband is smart enough to know when he has done something wrong. Most men actually are. However, how you react as his wife is very important. I know when you’re mad at someone the last thing you want to do is be nice to them, but that’s exactly what they expect. Instead, do the opposite of what they expect. The praise, the service, the good treatment in general will not be in vain but it must be genuine. You will have to work through the feelings of anger and resentment. You will need to find that inner strength and peace to accept that this man is only human. He has his virtues and his faults. His virtues far outweigh his defects and you will have to motivate him to bring out those virtues. Be nice to him, he’ll come around. Give and you will receive.

5. Do not focus on the problem

Have you ever heard of the saying “make a mountain out of an anthill”? Well, a person who is emotionally abusing you is no joke, but in order to remedy the situation you need to divert your attention from the problem and focus on solutions to the problem. This takes the burden of feeling down and gives you the strength to stay happy and helps you enthusiastically implement solutions.

6. Be prepared

Now I understand that people differ. My situation is still salvageable, but there are situations where that might not be the case. I have prepared myself for the fact that my husband may change, may not change, or even get worse. Either way, I’m prepared to face the consequences. At least I know I did my part. If it works, yay! If not, then maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Either way I’ll be happy knowing I did my best. You have to be prepared for positive or negative results.